Happy Birthday To My Big Girl!!

I can't believe that today Sissy is 8 years old! Seems like yesterday that I was walking upstairs from the basement (the only cool place in the house) on Labor Day and thought maybe I had peed my pants. But no, my water had broken and little miss big head was blocking the way.

She was born 11 hours later with a ping pong ball sized lump where her head was trying to push through where there was no room yet.

She was long. Especially her feet and hands. Today her toes are like fingers and her legs go on forever.

She had a good covering of black hair, but nothing like her sister would later have.

And she could wail!!! We were up every 2 hours to feed her since she couldn't keep her food down. And she didn't sleep through the night until she was 18 months old!

But she was, and is, a beauty. Those big eyes are killers.

Happy Birthday, baby girl. Mommy loves you.

When does this pain end?

Ok, this is for any veteran moms that might read my post, including my own.

There are many aspects of motherhood that are tough. Many that are unpleasant. Many that make you rethink ever having mated in the first place. For me, though, the toughest, most unpleasant, and most painful is this:

Watching my kids grow up.

(Seriously, how cute were they 3 years ago!!!)

I love seeing them discover new things and develop into beautiful girls who are no longer toddlers, but enough already! They have reached a point where I can't take more growing up. Sissy will be in 3rd grade. That's huge to me! 3RD GRADE!!! For me that is when kids officially become "big kids." And to top it off she is showing signs of being a grown person.

This is my girl who loves Star Wars, Spiderman, and "boy things" as she says. Lately she is admiring dresses and jewelry. She wants to take a dance class. She likes styling her own hair for crying out loud!! This is not my Sissy. And she is starting to get funny.

She has never been an exceptionally funny child. That has been reserved for Diva. Lately she has been shocking me with the things they say. And not silly goofy funny like other kids; these are sophisticated jokes. She has little witty remarks that thoroughly impress me. I have to start writing them down because at present I can't remember any of them. She also is saying such grown up sounding things. She used the word "several" in a sentence correctly the other day and it sounded so strange.

She is also helping around the house a lot and being more responsible. She still wants to kill her sister most of the time, but she is also helping her a lot. She decided herself yesterday that she and Diva needed to make their beds! I DON'T MAKE BEDS! She also plays really well with the kids in the new neighborhood and is the "responsible" one. Even though I am right there I can pretty much count on her to resolve any conflict that arises with the kids. It's amazing.

Then there are the physical things. Not a lot yet. She is just about to turn 8. But she is getting tall and her muscles are starting to develop more. And I notice a little dip at her waist now. This is scary stuff, people.

Diva is still pretty much Diva. She is a nut. But she is going into 1st grade this year. She is young for this, but ready, pretty much. She is starting to finally get taller, though still small for her age. Her legs are getting long now and you can actually see some calf muscle in those string beans. And her face has lost all trace of babyhood. She also has extremely hairy little legs, poor thing.

She is much more involved in picking out her clothes now. She was always a fashionista, but now she is getting pretty demanding about what she will wear and when and where. And shoes are a huge issue now. She likes to be fancy all the time.

She is also starting to read. And her dramatics are taking a turn from just silly to quite good. The faces this kid pulls should win Oscars. It's astounding to see such a huge personality in such a little girl.

As great as all this sounds everything I mentioned breaks my heart. I find myself suddenly feeling as if a vice has gripped my chest when I notice these things. I cry at night thinking about how soon they will be teenagers, then adults. I want to preserve every moment and never let them grow up and leave me. (Yes, mom, like I did to you!) Right now I am misty and my throat is tightening.

Maybe its more painful now because of my divorce. Perhaps because I can't share the memories with their dad anymore it makes them more fleeting. Or maybe it's just par for the course. I can't help wondering and hoping, though, if things get easier as they grow up. Do you still cry yourself to sleep when they get their first bra, go to high school, first dates, prom, first job, etc? Do I have to deal with this when I am a grandmother too? Does it go on forever? Because I wish someone had told me this before I signed up for motherhood. I don't know if I would have gone through with it. (Who am I kidding, of course I would have.)

Contest Results!

Well, I was not totally thrilled with any of the suggestions. Not that they weren't good. but they just didn't click. So...what I have decided to call him is Big D. Many of your suggestions started with that letter. Also, if I want to be nice I can say it stands for Big Daddy.

So there you go. He will henceforth known as Big D.

Blog Contest

Ok, I have a few posts in mind for upcoming weeks that go back to when the kids were little and maybe even before that. This will require me to mention my ex a few times and I don't really think it would be fair to use his name as a few of the mentions just might be less than flattering. I am trying to come up with a code name like I have for the girls, but The Ex does not seem creative enough and The D*Bag seems improper and crude.

So, it's up to YOU! My loyal readers. (I think there are maybe 3 of you?) I need your creativity and sense of humor to come up with a short and memorable code name.

Comments can commence....

NOW!!!

The Dessert Wars

Does anyone else have a kid who thinks that they ALWAYS are treated to dessert, for every meal? I hope so. I hope that my child is not, as I suspect, a totally entitled little Paris Hilton in the making. Ok, I realize that is an extreme comparison, perhaps she is more like Jessica Simpson. Those of you who know her can judge on this one. We are, of course, talking about The Diva.

Diva usually expects to get everything she wants. It does not matter how many times the answer is no, she still asks and is ALWAYS shocked when faced with the answer she does not want. See, she does get a lot of what she wants. She has some sort of super power, some Svengali-like aura to her that makes people do what she wants. As she gets older, though, that power is wearing off and she resorts to screams more often than not and that just gets her longer and longer time outs. (The effectiveness of these time outs does not seem to be improving at all. She may be some kind of mini super villainess who’s super powers are extreme stubbornness and the piercing scream that makes your ears bleed.)

When she was small she could ask for something completely unreasonable and people, even strangers, would do it without batting an eye. I am not talking about the way all cute kids get people to do things because they are so cute, this was something more sinister. Even I, a mommy quite immune to most pleading, would find myself halfway through a task and realize she had gotten to me. Once, at a friend’s birthday party, all the kids were given a slice of pizza and asked to carry it outside to eat. She, not wanting to be sullied by manual labor, turns to the 90 year old grandfather (Let me say here that this man was about 5 feet tall and 90 pounds soaking wet. A stiff breeze would likely kill him at this point.) and she says, not asks, “Carry this,” and walks on out ahead of him. The man smiles and does what she says. Now, this man may have been the kind to do that for just about anyone, but even if he were not, it would have gone the same way. She got this same friend’s other grandfather to sit by her at a restaurant instead of his own grandchild and once talked a child-stranger’s grandfather into playing with her at a museum. The poor man looked like he didn’t know what had happened.

Of course, it is not just grandfathers she can do this too. That is pretty easy prey. But these are my best examples off the top of my head. If you ever go somewhere with her and she wants to take a purse/backpack/umbrella/doll/blanket you will be carrying them all at some point. I have found myself suddenly carrying no less than 5 things and I did not even realize I had let her hand them off. Now, all our trips are premeditated. I don’t let her leave the house with anything and if we pick anything up on the outing (drinks, stray animals, etc) she is told without question that she carries it or it gets thrown away. This usually works, but I have to be ever vigilant. Luckily I have Sissy to make sure NOTHING ever gets by me. She may be the only person on this or any other planet that is 100% immune to Diva’s powers.

This brings me to my point today. Dessert. Diva has always been a really poor eater. A few bites and she is full, for about 5 minutes and then wants a treat. I think this is what started the dessert every night trend in our house. I know there was never dessert in my house unless it was a holiday. I remember watching tv and thinking how unfair it was when someone had dessert taken away for bad behavior. That just meant they usually had dessert. I am sure before Diva came around we let Sissy have dessert most of the time, but it was not an expected thing. Then along comes our Diva. Any of you ever wonder how she got this moniker? Yeah. I think you might have an idea at this point. And its not like I have fresh brownies or cookies all the time. Usually it’s a Little Debbie, maybe a pop tart (more appropriate for dessert anyway), or a few pieces of candy if a holiday has just passed.

*On a side note. When at our wits end to get this kid to eat one night I pulled out a special weapon. She went through a stage where she told people, anyone, anywhere, that when she grew up she wanted big boobs like Mommy. As much as this is both terrifying and hilarious we just tried to ignore it and hope she stopped. On this particular night we were having spaghetti. Yeah, my kid won’t even eat spaghetti!!! I finally had a light bulb moment, “Diva, if you don’t eat all your dinner you will NEVER have big boobs like me!” This may not have been the best idea I ever had, but I can tell you one thing…it worked. At least for that night.*

So, to get her to eat we say you have to eat to get dessert. Sometimes she will have 3 bites and say she is done. I say, ok then, but don’t ask for more later. Then, here it comes, “Do I still get desert?” Hmm…”Does it look like Mommy started smoking crack this afternoon? No.” I tell her to eat 5 more bites, or whatever it takes for me to be satisfied. Then she gets dessert. No big deal right? Pretty normal. Her sister has tried this track a few times as well. What is unique to Diva, at least as compared to her sister, is that she asks for dessert after breakfast and lunch too. ALL. THE. TIME. Do I ever say yes? Of course not! Sometimes after lunch on a special day they might get a ‘treat.’ Well this has led to more issues.

Can’t have dessert? “Well, then can I have a treat?”

No.

“Can I have a snack?”

Yes. You can have carrot sticks. (Sometimes she doesn’t even get this answer if she really didn’t eat anything because I have had to resort to actually sending the kid to bed hungry if she won’t eat her dinner. This was after about 2 years of making her a special dinner every night that she would eat and I got sick of it. Remember how I mentioned that she was a little stubborn? I have saved a meal to give her the next morning, lunch, and the next dinner. She has gone a full day without food once. I am no match to her powers.)

That may seem innocent, but when you consider she is thinking something like a Little Debbie, pop tart, some candy. Does that sound familiar? If you are paying attention it should. She find that this is best played out if we actually have brownies or leftover birthday cake in the house because it sounds more like she is not actually asking for a snack.

What I really like the best though is when we have something special for dinner like pancakes. I really just don’t think dessert is needed after pancakes and that goes double for chocolate chip pancakes. And this is what leads me to writing this post.

Today, nay, this week, has been particularly bad for us. I had to get my alternator fixed. Diva spent two hours with me at Sears last night. We had to get dinner out, which I can’t really afford right now. Then today I had to go back to Sears, praying the whole way that the battery had enough charge to make it, with both kids in tow. They had to miss summer school since I was afraid to drive more than I had to. We waited there for an hour. Went to see a movie, which I really can’t afford. We shared a $30 bag of M&Ms and a gallon of root beer. Then we ate out again. (Did I mention I can’t afford this right now?) Diva asked for dessert. Really? Do you not remember having to wait for them to run the credit check so you could have your fix of sugar during the movie? Then we went back to Sears for another hour and a half. Missed the bank by 5 minutes. When we got home I was wiped out, they were wiped out, it was HOT in here, and I was wiped out. Wait, did I mention that already? Sissy had leftovers from lunch so I gave Diva the choice of peanut butter sandwich or cereal. (I should really get mother of the year, people. Especially since the night before was onion rings, fries, root beer and a milk shake. Oh yeah.) She chose Coco Puffs, or whatever the generic brand of those is called. Choco Sugar Rush? THEN…she asks for dessert! Did you guys see this one coming? Yeah, so did I. And do you know what happened when I said no? The whining. This may be another super power. She whines like no other child I have ever heard. The squeaky voice that strangers have literally stopped me to comment on, “Oh, she has the cutest little voice!” Yeah? Try listening to it NON STOP for over 4 years. Who taught this kid to talk? Oh yeah, I did. Shoot.

Where was I? I have been drained of all energy. This is her true master plan. Once Mommy has no more energy she has no more will to be a good Mommy and when desert requests come in, no matter how inappropriate, she will just nod and drift back into her stupor. She is almost there, people. I don’t know how much longer I can fight her. If you know any way to combat this terror please, for the love of all that is wholesome and healthy, help me!

Math Fun! (yeah, right!!!)

If you know me at all you know I don't like math. I had to take College Algebra twice to get credit!! My first ever C was in Geometry. (Yes, I am a nerd and that was my first and last C in high school!!!) But what you don't know is that when I was 6 I was a regular Stephen Hawking. No, really. One time my teacher had a 5th grader come in who was the best at math in her class to do board races with me. She gave us a line of about 10 single digit numbers and said go. Chalk dust flew and I was done, with the correct answer, before she was even half way through her problem. Yes, yes, please no phone calls of excited praise. I know I was a regular little math prodigy. I slowed down with multiplication and then division came along. By the time square roots were introduced I was done.

Well when Sissy was in first grade she did pretty well with math. The problem is that I just realized that although the schools today are a bit more advanced on reading they are really behind in math. Sissy just finished second grade and the math skills that she is supposed to be learning are things I specifically remember from first grade. (Plus, I remember learning cursive in 2nd grade and they didn't start that this year!!! What is up with that?) The other problem is that her grades in math were a little low this year so we are trying to catch her up a bit this summer. I got her second grade workbooks to review.

Ok, this should be fun, right? Tonight we started on one. There was a page of single digit addition and subtraction. Problems like 3+5 and 9-7, etc... Sissy turns to me and says, "I can't do this, Mom!" I ask her didn't she learn addition and subtraction already!?!?!? "But I don't have a hundred chart!"

WHAT!?!?!?!

Really? My kid has not learned addition and subtraction without using a chart? She tells me that her teacher says that using her fingers is not good since you only have 10. Ok, I see the point there, sort of. But, is she expected to always have a hundred chart of hand to count forward and back? Give me a break.

Then I remember what made adding so easy for me. I search online for a special number chart. I have no idea what it's called, but I know that in my head I still use it today. It made math so easy for me. BUT, what in tarnation was that dadgummed thing called? Well, having no luck I get a marker and paper and make my own for her. It's pretty rough, but she will get the point. I set out to give a little math lesson. Once she sees it she says, "Oh, touch math!" Touch math? Ohhhh...... Now that I have a name I can find it online. It goes something like this:

So, here are touch numbers. If you are not familiar with the concept you touch where the dots are as you count and touch twice where there is a dot with a circle around it. So if you have 4+2 you would start with "4" then touch your two and count, "5, 6" and there you have our answer. Make sense? It's a little hard to explain in writing here, but I think you all get it.

I definitely learned something about my kid. She was not paying a lot of attention in math if she totally forgot this part. I am glad she did learn it though and I am going to make sure she works on it all summer. The other thing I learned, or rather remembered, is that when you are a kid even easy math can be overwhelming and we have to take it one step at a time.

The Final Countdown...

I have 2 weeks and 6 days until the moving van gets here and I have to move all of my belongings. I am in a bit of a panic. I started finally packing today. It looks like I have gotten no where after about 5 boxes. Yes, only 5. The problem is that life still happens. I have so much laundry still. It's nuts. How can I do laundry AND pack? And I have to do dishes and bathe kids and clean the litter box, etc... Oh, and work. I am really worried it won't get done. I am taking a break now because we just had dinner and baths. I think I need a down moment. When the kids got to bed I will do a few more boxes.

What really bothers me about packing is that even with plans and good intentions it just doesn't get done right. I told myself that this time I wouldn't just throw things in boxes. I will label them in detail. I will make sure not to pack anything that I don't need, just give it away. And I won't pack all my books together because they just weigh too much. But all that is easier said than done. It's still early, sort of. Maybe I will keep it up. In the meantime I leave you with this to enjoy:

Day with Diva

Yesterday I had an afternoon alone with Diva while Sissy was with D*bag Daddy. Ok, here is why. It was his weekend, but he asked if I could take the kids Saturday night since he had a bike ride Sunday morning. Ok. Of course. I had plans for Saturday night, but I broke them to spend time with the kids. Then when I pick the kids up Saturday afternoon he says that he will call me when he gets off work on Sunday to let me know when he will get the kids.

WHAA???

He cancelled his bike ride and decided to work overtime. (Don't get me started on that. Overtime is essentially what caused the demise of our relationship....no, don't get me started.) So, here I am thinking, uhhhhh..... Yeah, that was it, "uhhhhhh." I manage to finally explain that I had plans to go to church then take them to see Shrek 3D. He said thats ok but he wanted to see them if there was time. Well, it IS his weekend and I can't really say no. We decide to work it out the next morning.

So, it's Sunday morning. Now, church starts at 10:45. He calls at 10. He will be home in an hour and wanted to know what we wanted to do. He explained he had some paperwork he had to do and wanted to do a few errands so he didn't think the girls would want to come over. Sissy got on the phone. She wanted to see Daddy. She explained that since she KNOWS we will buy Shrek 3D she wants to be surprised when she watches it. Uh, ok then. Diva, however, wanted to stay home and be "Mommy's buddy." Cool. Of course that meant no church with this schedule. And no movie because I felt bad that Lily didn't want to go.

When he finally go there it was 1. Yeah. I should have gone to church. Did I ever mention how irritating this man is????? So, Sissy is off with Dad. Alyssa and I are still in PJs hanging out. We listen and sing along to some Dolly Parton. We watch some Taylor Swift videos on youtube. And we watch a DVD (can't remember which one, it was one I have seen no less than 372 times). Then suddenly she turns to me and asks, "Can we go get my ears pierced today?"

Now, more backstory is required. I had the kids' ears pierced when they were babies. They are half Colombian. If they do not get their ears pierced before they turn 1 that side of the family would have held them down and done it themselves. And really, it was fine. They don't even remember. Well, at age 3 both of them learned now to get the safety backs off their earrings!!! This resulted in a few lost earrings. In Sissy's case the bus driver for preschool was AMAZING and usually found both earrings in her seat and put them in a ziplock baggie for me. By age 4 I gave up. They only wore earrings for special occassions. Sissy is like me. She can go years without an earring in and the next time we try it goes in no problems. Diva, unfortunately, is not like me. This has not posed a problem until this year.

Since Sissy is not in 2nd grade she is more into earrings and that kind of thing. I also helped that her two best friends (B and V) had their ears pierced this year. So, I bought a bunch of adorable dangley earrings and she has them in everyday. Diva now wants to wear them too. We managed to get some in a few times, but about a month ago I realized that we were not gonna get any in there again. It was completely closed. I explained that we needed to get them redone someday.

So, here we go. Yesterday she decided was the day. She had gotten dressed herself already. You moms may be cringing at the thought. Well don't. We are not talking about a normal 5 year old. This is DIVA. Here is what she picked out (completely on her own).

Yes, she is in a fancy dress with a fancy head band. Oh yeah. Beauty Queen.

So, we head out, me in jeans t-shirt and flip flops. On the way there I start thinking that maybe she doesn't realize what this entails. I decide to get mine done too. I have my ears pierced. I have since I was 8 (after two years of going and chickening out). I have wanted a second lobe piercing since I was 9. Mom said, "Next year, " every year. She said it was a fad. I wouldn't like it when I was grow. Well, I realized yesterday that now, 24 years later, it probably isn't so much a 'fad' anymore and that I really didn't need to ask permission. Yes, I will go first and show her it doesn't hurt.

When we get to the mall I really wish I had gotten a photo. She was asleep, hair in her face like Cousin It, headband around her neck, glasses crooked, and when she woke up and tried to get out of her chair I see a thick stream of drool coming out the corner of her mouth!!!! It was HILARIOUS!!! I pointed it out, laughing and got, "Mommy, its not funny!" My continued laughing soon caught on, though and she found it pretty funny herself.

Now its time. We get to the kiosk at the mall and start looking over the earrings. I think a little set of rhinestones will be fine. Oh no. No. No. No. She needs "pink diamonds." Well, of course they have them, but I am thinking that she doesn' wear pink EVERY day. But she was so excited and so brave that I gave in. I got the plain clear "diamonds." I offer to go first, but no way. She was ready.

Let's Roll!!

She was perfectlly fine. Said she would be brave. And she was. They double teamed her so there was no saying no to the second hole. And click, boom.......oooooooOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!

The exact moment she realized that his was not so easy after all.

But, she only cried for about a minute. She got a lollipop. And best of all, it was Mommy's turn.

It stung more than I remembered and I still hurts today, by the way. My nose ring was not nearly as painful actually. And you know how when your ears are really really cold and it gives you a headache. Well, that is what my earlobes felt like all evening.

Pink "Diamonds"

The best part of the adventure was how when I was about to pay I realized that my debit card was on the kitchen counter at home. Thank goodness I had my checkbook. Of course this left us not having money for dinner out that I had promised, but I DID have enough cash for an ice cream for her before dinner. She deserved it. What a good girl. She is over the moon about it.

And my plain ol' clear "diamonds"

Overall it was a great afternoon. Sissy had a good time with Dad and was fine that she didn't go with us. I got something done I had waited far too long to do. And Diva was so proud of herself. These are the days that make me so glad to be a mommy and am really thrilled I have girls. It's so fun!

As you know, I am going back to school this Fall. The road there has been very bumpy lately and I will not bore you with the details of this trip. However, I will tell you that my initial plans have been blown to bits. Have you heard about all that money out there for single mothers to go back to school? LIES! So, instead of going to Quinnipiac full time and taking 20 credits in the Fall I am going to Gateway Community College, taking 4 credits this summer and 14 in the Fall. AND I will be working while I do it.

This last part is what scares me most. I had hoped I wouldn't have to and now that I do I wonder how to make enough money to support the kids and myself when I can really only work part time. Of course I CAN work full-time, at some really lousy paying job and never see my kids. I can't do that. No way. So I have come up with two plans.

First of all I have asked my boss about maybe, just maybe letting me stay on at 27 hours a week instead of 40. I would still lose money, but its really good pay and I could scrape by, maybe. I do not know what the outcome of this will be. I am not setting any hopes on it. Although it would be lovely to stay at a job I know and love the commute will be an hour. And it might be inconvenient for my boss and if it is I understand.

So, that brings me to plan B. I am wishy washy at best about plan B. It is something I had vowed I would never do again. It is something I am really good at, not that its anything to brag about.

That's right, waitressing. I have not done it in almost 10 years, but its like yesterday that I was schlepping around drink orders, refilling condiments, and rolling silverware. Oh, the silverware, that was the worst part. 

I know I can do it. I know the money is good. I know that the hours are flexible. 

But what I worry about is the energy it takes. Can I still do this? I am basically a waitress at home as it is. Do I really need to be one outside of the house too? And will I make enough money for it to really be worth my while? Plus, will it fit my schedule enough so that I still get to see the kids?

Well, this last part I have figured out. I hope. My school schedule combined with custody schedule and the kids' school schedule should allow me to work 3 lunch shifts and 2 dinner shifts during the week. That's not bad, even though dinner shifts pay better. The problem I have is that I am only willing to work every other weekend so that I can see the kids when they are staying with me and I wonder if that will deter people from hiring me. 

But, I guess all of this is pointless to analyse, right?  I mean, why do I torture myself. I should wait and see what my boss says and then worry about it.  

Who am I kidding? You know I can't do that!!! I worry. I plan. That's just me. So for now I am checking out New Haven area restaurants online and seeing where they have the more expensive menus. If I am going to do this then I am going to make some dough. Am I right? 

And I have it narrowed down to 4 places that I think are a good fit. Two are hiring and I sent an application in to one, Goodfellas Cafe. It looks really nice and they even get celebrities in once in a while. 

So, I will not be the cheery waitress serving a sundae. And I hope I won't be balancing plates on my head for heaven's sake. I will be this woman. I will just be doing my job the best I can and trying to make ends meet. But, in my mind I will be this woman:

Oh yes, I will be Flo. I might even keep my tips in my cleavage.

Ok, maybe not.

Go tweet yourself

Yeah, baby! I have a twitter account now. Two actually. My personal one is @GoddessLauri and the other is @DivaAndSissy. It will be filled with all the craziness that is my girls.

I don't have time for this, but here it goes.

I just realized how long it has been since I posted and wanted to put SOMETHING here. The problem is that it is spring break. And not only are the kids home, their dad is in Puerto Rico on vacation. (He wouldn't tell me where he is but Lily gave it away. Yeah, you read that right, he wouldn't tell me. Like I was going to follow him there or something. Sheesh!)

So I am sitting on the couch in my pjs with the kids at 10:30 am. We have NOTHING to eat in the kitchen and just drank the last of our milk. The love seat is covered with clean laundry. The hall is full of dirty laundry (I keep forgetting to get quarters). The floor is covered with various toys, books and apparently trash. The litter box is close to being labeled a bio hazard, as are the bathrooms. I have not seen my bedroom floor in months and the kids' room...let's not go there. There is a huge box with a Christmas tree in the hallway. I cannot move it alone and since I live alone that is a problem. There are boxes of unorganized and not really packed Christmas decorations in the dining room. I have to put away winter and bring out summer clothes. And if I have to watch Barbie Mermaidia one more time I will totally lose it!!

So, you can see that I really do NOT need to spend any more time on this computer. Yet, it pulls me back every time. Today I WILL get groceries. I should probably do at least one load of laundry since the kids are down to one clean pair of panties and have been out of clean socks for a few days now. If I were a 'good' mom I would find a way to get ALL the laundry done, but then again if I was a 'good' mom none of the things in the last paragraph would be true.

And I am watching the kids now play Barbies...TOGETHER...and not fighting. (At the exact moment I typed that they started fighting over some gold lamee pants. Apparently they do not fit one of the dolls because her 'booty is too big.' On my honor, they do not learn this stuff from me.) And I am torn between disrupting this rarely seen activity so that we can get dressed and get moving OR just putting on another movie and chilling out. No, don't let me do that. I have 9 days until I have some friends over for a get together and this place needs to be presentable or you will see this on the news:

Ok, time to move it or lose it. Wish me luck. I need it. 

The Healthcare Reformers and Docotormus Prime

Right now I wish I was really good at photo shop and could put up a Transformers picture where they are all in nursing caps and stethoscopes and Optimus Prime has a tie and a hand full of legal documents.  That might make my day better.

As it stands you just get to read today. No photos.

I currently am not offered group insurance through my employer. I am paying over $700 a month for coverage under COBRA after my divorce. I have been looking for an idividual plan that will cost me much less. Today I learned that this won't happen. Why? Because of a pre existing condition. Despite the fact that there has been no gap in my insurance coverage for my entire life, I hav been denied. What is the condition? Depression. Because I did the responsible thing and went into counseling instead of just relying on medication I have been denied. I have been informed that I cannot apply again until February 2011 because I must go one full year without counseling before I am clear to be covered.


Is this fair? Is this what you want for me? I work hard. I am a single mom. I am trying to make a better life. I have clinical depression, which is genetic. If I go off my medication I am not as good at my jobs, both at the library and as a mom. But what will I do now? I won't be able to afford the treatment I need. And God help me if I get really sick or am in an accident.

Yes, the bill has passed. But, the laws about pre existing conditions do not take effect until 2013. I guess we better all hope I am still alive by then since I won't be able to get any medical intervention in the meantime.
 
You may be asking why I can't get state insurance. Well, because my kids are not on it. They are covered by their dad. Adults cannot get Husky (the CT insurance plan) unless their kids are on it. I can stay on COBRA for 3 years, but at $700 a month that just won't happen. Right now work is paying for it, but as of July that is no more.
 
Maybe I will get lucky and another insurance company will accept me. But, at what cost? In case you can't tell, I am a bit stressed. This is doing wonders for my blood pressure. Uh oh, another pre existing condition. I am doomed!

Happy Easter! A story of my Faith.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my faith in Christ. Today being Easter, I felt this might be a good time to share this with all of you. Do not be wary, this is not a sermon. I just have realized a few things and feel like sharing.

As I mentioned, today is Easter. In the Christian tradition this is the remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Savior. Unlike Christmas, we know that our dates are right. He was crucified at the end of Passover. Yet, like Christmas we do a lot of things that seem to be a little strange for a Christian holiday.

(Yes, these are peeps eating an Easter feast of ... peeps.)

I think that even the most ignorant of Christians realizes that eggs and bunnies have nothing to do with Easter. 

(But they are awfully cute!)

So, I find it offensive when people post articles about the Pagan origins of these traditions. I feel like it insults my intelligence. As if I, as a foolish believer in unseen things, thinks that Romans pelted Christ with decorated eggs and set killer bunnies loose on his disciples. The fact of the matter is that long long ago a powerful and unnamed church decided to get more followers by adding in some good old pagan traditions to our new celebrations, and while they were at it they thought they would just try and time them about the same time. If you don't know where the traditions come from it is very interesting to read about from an historical perspective. Here is a link a friend of mine posted. (I know that she posted it in the spirit of knowledge, though, not in some means to sway believers against this holiday.)
http://ancienthistory.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_pagan_origins_of_easter

These musings on Easter and what it really means have me also reflecting on other discussions I have had of late with people about my faith. I think that some people may not think I am a very good Christian. Others may think I am too religious for their taste. In general though, I think most people really don't understand the faith I have. When asked about it I will offer my opinions, but until recently I was afraid to do even that. See, we live in a world where religions gets people nervous. And I don't like conflict. So, I just glide through and hold my faith in my heart and let others think what they like. I know and God knows my truth.

I have many friends who are atheists. And just over the last few weeks I have had really great conversations with them about God. I can't say I have tried to sway them to believe. I don't think that is a tactic that would ever work. I do, however, try to make them understand why I believe and  more importantly, to see that Christians are not all these people:

(I think the children hold these signs upsets me the most.)

And since it is these people, and the pedophile priests, and the polygamous cults that make the news, non-believers often see us all as the same. (I know many of my Mormon friends can relate because they get accused of many things that are far from the truth because of media portrayals that are misunderstood.) So, I try to make people see that those people up there are NOT what Christianity means. There are many many things that make up the Christian faith, but for me this scripture sums up what I want people to see:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

- 1 Corinthians 13:13

I won't get into the arguments I have had about the existence of God. I won't get to sermonizing, witnessing, spreading the gospel, or whatever you might want to call it. That is not what this post is about. This post is about having faith in something. People have faith in a lot of things, but of all things, isn't this the best thing to have faith in? And if you are one who doesn't have faith, is it really so hard on you that others do? So, my faith remains. And I thank my friends who question it, because that makes it stronger. I pray that more and more people understand that this Christian, and most of the others I know, are not them (see above). Our faith rests on a loving God. And my greatest wish, or prayer, is that I will continue to have friends, believers and non-believers, who respect my faith, my opinions, and my random eccentricities from time to time. We can all love and live together without the strife and fight we see on the news. 

This is a day to celebrate the power of Faith. Blessings to all of you, even if you don't want them, because I love you even when we disagree.

Cry, Baby, Cry

I was watching a movie with a friend today and started crying in a few scenes. He didn't find it cute or charming as I would have liked, but seemed to find me a bit ridiculous. I have come to terms with people thinking I am ridiculous over the past year or so, though, and its ok. I used to hate to cry in front of people, but this last year has brought me to tears so many times that I am just satisfied if my friends don't see me with snot running down my face...again. So, I cried. I didn't really hold it back, even when it was a silly scene to cry in. What was the movie, you ask? Was it an epic war film, a tragic love story, a coming of age drama? No. It was 2012. That's right, the really not so good action film starting dreamy Lloyd Dobler, also known as John Cusack.

Now, I know that is lame. I really really do. So please, let me explain. There are kids in this movie. A brother and a girl. And even worse, the girl is named Lily. LILY! Like I don't get all caught up in movies enough, they always have to go and name one of the characters after my kid! And the world is ending. And the parents are divorced (yeah, that's not familiar). And the kids keep getting really really close to death. Or worse, they get separated from the parents and cry. That does it. A kid scared and alone in a movie and I am toast.

Take Pirates of the Caribbean for example. You may not think there is any reason to get choked  up in that movie, but oh contrair. (Yeah, that's probably wrong, but I am so not in the mood to google it). There is a scene in Pirates, the first movie, where they dead guys come and are blowing up the whole island. It's chaos and people are screaming and there are dead dudes running around and showing off their bones when they step in the moonlight. And in the  midst of this there is a little boy, maybe 2 years old, screaming for him mommy. This kid is about to be trampled by a panicked drunk or hit with a cannon ball and he just is screaming while no one pays any attention until a woman, hopefully Mommy, snatches him up and runs. I own this movie. I have seen it probably 10 times. Every time I watch it I get choked up by that little boy.

It's a motherhood thing. You can't help, at least I can't, but think of your child in that situation, alone and scared. And that child wants no one but you. This child who on most days just wants to do their own thing and who is a pro at making a mother feel overworked and underappreciated needs Mommy when the going gets rough. And if Mommy isn't there, its heartbreaking.

So, that is why I cry in movies. Well, that is why I cry in the ones that no one else cries in. I cry in lots of movies. Songs make me cry, too. The National Anthem makes my heart ache for some reason and my eyes get a bit dewy. But it's ok. I am proud of it now. Is it lame? Of course it is. But it's me and I am learning everyday to accept who I am even if it will embarrass my dates and mortify my children.

Get thee behind me laziness!!!

Do you recall the photos of my horrible cluttery home? If not, please, take a look here.

I bring this back to you attention because now, its worse. Don't get me wrong. I DID have it really nice. When Christmas got here it was a lovely clean space with Christmas decorations all around. The kids even had a nice clean room. But since the New Year, perhaps since the death of my Mema, I have not had the drive to do a thing.

I have tried. Really I have. There have been moments when the kitchen was so spotless I wondered who it belonged to. There have been whole days where there were not stacks of papers all over my dining room table and we could actually eat on it. There was about two days where you could see my love seat. And a few hours when you could see my bedroom floor.

I am fairly good about keeping the bathroom clean and the floor vacuumed. And I clean the litter box regularly out of necessity. Honestly, I am not disgusting. There have been instances where I wanted to give up entirely on the bathroom sink, however. How hard is it for a kid to rinse toothpaste down the drain, really?

Sadly, though, I have boxes of ornaments in the dining room right now. I just haven't wrapped them up safely for storage yet. I finally got the tree in its box, which was not easy, let me tell you, but found I had no packing tape. And if I did, I don't know how to get it to the basement on my own. So that sits in the hall. I can never seem to catch up on laundry, even when I do have quarters, and the stuff that is clean, I just can't get into the closets.  You know, I have fantasies of my own washer and dryer. Oh, how I used to take it for granted.

So, why do I even bother to tell you this? Well, I hope that maybe you will feel better about your own cleaning prowess. And also, I hope that I will be embarrassed enough that I will now do something about it. Perhaps uncluttering my home will unclutter my life. I thank Brenda for this bit of insight. And over the next few months I will be preparing a move in location and life path. It's time to K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid) and get on with things, already.

So, if you have any need for size 4 or 5 girls clothes let me know. If you need women's size 12 (why do I bother to keep them?) or 14 (I have too many nice things that I just never wear and take up too much space) or size 7 1/2 shoes let me know. They will need a good home.

Because I am in this kind of mood

Song brought back to my attention thanks to Rants from Mommyland

Happy 29th Birthday (for the 6th time), Brenda!!

This, world, is one of the most amazing people I have ever known, Brenda. We met in 7th grade and she instantly hated me. By 8th grade we were best of friends. I owe many of my better qualities to having her as a best friend for all these years. She is funny, the kind of funny we all want to be. She is creative and talented. She is beautiful. She is loving, kind, and patient when she really has to be. She is also a cynic and a doubter. But she is by far the bravest and strongest person I know by far.

We were a family one Halloween. This is Brenda as Mom. 

When we were in school Brenda would bring in stickers for the entire month of February and put them on our hands each day so that we would not forget her birthday. We would have sleepovers at her house pretty often and usually watch The Princess Bride or Say Anything. And M & Ms had to be part of the gathering.

She has 3 brothers and 2 sisters who are all beautiful and creative and smart and funny. And her parents are wonderful, friendly, loving people who embraced all her wacky friends with open arms. I miss those days of hanging out at her house. So many year have passed.

But I have been lucky because she and I have kept in touch. We are not in touch always. We lost track a few times and then found each other again. We live across the country from each other now and rarely are both home at the same holidays. But I feel like she has never really been gone from me. 

I missed her wedding. That was very hard for me. I wanted to be there so badly. And it was awhile before I met her husband, Matt. Even then we really did not get a chance to know each other. Then nearly a year and a half ago he passed away. I can't imagine what she has been through. Yet, she still listens to my petty issues and can always make me smile.

She and Matt have 3 beautiful boys. I don't know how she keeps up with them. I know the thought makes me weak. Yet she not only is there for them, she goes the extra mile. She makes the best Halloween costumes ever. Her home looks like a magazine for the holidays. And she finds time to blog, make quilts, bake and who knows what else! How can she be so amazing?

So, today I wanted her to know that I was thinking of her. To know that she means the world to me. And I know I am not the only person who feels this way.

So, Happy Birthday, 

Brenda Marie! I love you. 

  

Seth as Nacho Libre last Halloween.

Please don't kill me for some of the photos I have shared today. And forgive me that it is up the night before. I would have been very upset if I had forgotten while at work tomorrow.

How hot is this woman? WOW.

Moving On

Most of you have been with me over the last year and know all my ups and downs. I think I have done a reasonably good job moving on. Don't  you? The problem is, I guess I haven't.

Hernan came to take the girls hiking today. It is my weekend, but I have a lot of cleaning to do and thought it would be good for them. Why does that mean anything? Well, it must have something to do with the fact that he has decided to make his secret girlfriend public and introduce the girls to her.

Really, theoretically, this is fine. I have known about her for some time. He is really bad at keeping secrets. I am sure she is a nice person. The kids will probably like her. So, if I have moved on, why do I feel so so horrible? Is it because I am alone? Is it because I miss him? Is it because I feel threatened? I honestly don't know. I do feel confused and utterly miserable right now.

I am sorry to be such a downer today. I just had to get it off my chest somehow.

This is a photo of us all together, the last time we were happy. December 2008.

The reason all this insanity does not put me over the edge.

Most of you have heard all about how absolutely hilarious, and probably a bit unbalanced, my 5 year old is. I have bits and pieces that I toss out on facebook once in awhile. What I don't think you understand is that the ones I post are just the few I remember or that really stand out. On an average she tosses out at least 5 or 6 of these gems each day. I have decided that it is too unfair to keep them to myself. I am going to give a few today that I can remember and sprinkle in some of the better photos of my little diva along the way.

*WARNING*
You might want to read this over the course of a few days. Sometimes Diva can be too much to take.

 This is my most favoritest picture of all time! (Rest assured these were clean panties.) 

She was 14 months old and only had her legs in when I decided to help her out a bit. 

(Keep in mind this was pre-Borat, he stole this bit from her.)

Today I was blessed with 3 gems from my little angel. 

1. Imagine you are driving. The kids are in the back seat. They are actually being quiet. (I know, but this really is a true story.) Then Diva perks up, very matter of fact and for no reason at all, and says to her 7 year old sister, "Sissy, if I had a little sister I would not yell at her." Amazingly this was met by silence on Sissy's part. 

2. Not long after this incidence I received a phone call from their father. He told me that on Saturday while Sissy was at a birthday party he took Diva to Walmart with him. While he was getting razors she loudly announced to him, "Daddy, you need that hair color for men. You have a lot of gray hairs and I can see them. I don't like them, they make you look old." (I got a HUGE laugh out of this one.)

3. On the way home in this same ride, this little piece of knowledge was thrown at me. (Try to keep up, sometimes its not easy.)

"If there was a zombie (later she said she meant mummy) and he was made of dirt with red glowing eyes and hot lava rocks hit him he would fall apart...the hot lava rocks hit first then the hot lava comes out of them....volcanoes are really old, they lived before we did...sometimes animals run away when a volcano happens, but some don't....some monkeys get stuck in the trees.....when they get unstuck they ride alligators to safety, alligators or crocodiles, but only friendly ones..." (I did have to leave a lot of mumbling and other mumbo jumbo out that I could not remember.)

 

Because of the diaper I will guess she was 2 1/2 here. She had just eaten a firecracker popsicle

and was showing off her blue 'monster' mouth.

Last week we had are biggest and most obnoxious experience with the Diva's incredible mind. She had asked to wear a certain outfit to school Friday. It was a skirt and a very summery top. Aside from the fact that they did not match and that I had a Valentine's shirt for her to wear, it was also entirely too cold for this outfit. 

That afternoon I received a call from her babysitter that went like this:

Babysitter: "Why on earth  did you send Diva to school with a skirt and no tights!!!"

Me: "I sent her to school in jeans."

B: "Oh, that's what Sissy said."

M: "Is it a red skirt with white hearts?"

B: "White stars."

M: "ARRGGGHHHH!!!"

The rest you don't need to know, but the jist is that she kept asking to put her jeans on all afternoon so she could play outside and she was told no. I told Babysitter to let her play in the skirt, when her legs freeze off she can wear a skirt any day she wants!

BUT WAIT! Here is the kicker. When I came to pick her up I was explaining to her why she was in trouble. She looked up at me, teary eyed, and said, "But I just forgotted to change my clothes before I came home."

Babysitter and I exchanged looks, completely speechless. This kid is smarter than I thought. I have no idea how I will survive her middle and high school years. 

 

Here she is, the way I like her best. She and her sister were 'pretnending' to sleep 

when I came home and she just passed out. I have at least half a dozen photos of her in strange places,

fast asleep. Perhaps one day I will base a whole post on just that. 

Young Love

It seems that both of my daughters have a Valentine this year, but mommy does not. As pathetic as this is, it is really cute (as  long as it doesn't repeat itself next year).

Sissy (age 7) is very tight mouthed about hers. She has always been like that. Luckily for me her best friend tells all to her mother, who tells me. So I can at least hear 3rd hand (or is it 4th) about her romantic escapades. Seems that a little boy who was her boyfriend earlier in the year is now back on the scene and they were seen kissing (I certainly hope on the cheek) on the playground. This is all I know. I try my best to finagle information from her, but she is sly. But it's not new. She had a year long boyfriend in both kindergarten and first grade. I imagine that the boy from last year would still be in the picture if they had not been put in separate classes this year. And who can blame the boys? This is a beautiful big eyed girl who also LOVES superheroes, Star Wars and Pokemon. How could they resist that?

Diva (age 5) is a different story. She has be talking about Jake S. for some time. (There is apparently a Jacob in her class as well so his name is never uttered without the accompanying last initial. And when asked what his last name is, the answer, which is given with an expression of exasperation, is 'S.')

The story of their romance goes like this. Jake S. had 'falleded' in love with Riley, but she went to another class so he 'falleded' in love with Alyssa. There seems to be a little back and forth about this, but at the moment he is Diva's. According to Sissy, Diva has been in love with Jake S. this whole time. Now that they are back on I am hearing a lot about this Jake S. character. When we were writing out Valentines for the class she dreamily told me that she was saving his for last. The the other day we were all in the car, that is the girls and I, and Lily told me that she overheard a bit of a romantic interlude in the school hallways. Jake S. requested the honor of holding Diva's hand. She, knowing that guys love it when a girl plays hard to get, flatly refused him. Actually she said her hands were cold and up in the sleeves of her coat so she couldn't. I told Diva that I bet Jake S. thinks she is cute. She denied this. Sissy seconded my opinion. Diva calmly expressed that no, "He thinks I'm beautiful." Well, well, she has no shortage in self esteem. She then told he that Jake S. likes her hair in a 'little pony tail.' In Diva speak this means half of her hair pulled up while the rest is left down. She then asked if she could please wear her hair like that the next day. Smart kid. Find out what my man likes and impress him with it. Boys look out, this girl has game. (Maybe I need lessons.)

So there you have it. My life stretches out before me and I see weekend upon weekend home alone while my two beautiful girls have date after date. Mom will be enrolling them in self defense classes and arming them with mase soon. If they are anything like me, though, they will not use it. I have to go now, I think that last though gave me a stroke.