The Dessert Wars

Does anyone else have a kid who thinks that they ALWAYS are treated to dessert, for every meal? I hope so. I hope that my child is not, as I suspect, a totally entitled little Paris Hilton in the making. Ok, I realize that is an extreme comparison, perhaps she is more like Jessica Simpson. Those of you who know her can judge on this one. We are, of course, talking about The Diva.

Diva usually expects to get everything she wants. It does not matter how many times the answer is no, she still asks and is ALWAYS shocked when faced with the answer she does not want. See, she does get a lot of what she wants. She has some sort of super power, some Svengali-like aura to her that makes people do what she wants. As she gets older, though, that power is wearing off and she resorts to screams more often than not and that just gets her longer and longer time outs. (The effectiveness of these time outs does not seem to be improving at all. She may be some kind of mini super villainess who’s super powers are extreme stubbornness and the piercing scream that makes your ears bleed.)

When she was small she could ask for something completely unreasonable and people, even strangers, would do it without batting an eye. I am not talking about the way all cute kids get people to do things because they are so cute, this was something more sinister. Even I, a mommy quite immune to most pleading, would find myself halfway through a task and realize she had gotten to me. Once, at a friend’s birthday party, all the kids were given a slice of pizza and asked to carry it outside to eat. She, not wanting to be sullied by manual labor, turns to the 90 year old grandfather (Let me say here that this man was about 5 feet tall and 90 pounds soaking wet. A stiff breeze would likely kill him at this point.) and she says, not asks, “Carry this,” and walks on out ahead of him. The man smiles and does what she says. Now, this man may have been the kind to do that for just about anyone, but even if he were not, it would have gone the same way. She got this same friend’s other grandfather to sit by her at a restaurant instead of his own grandchild and once talked a child-stranger’s grandfather into playing with her at a museum. The poor man looked like he didn’t know what had happened.

Of course, it is not just grandfathers she can do this too. That is pretty easy prey. But these are my best examples off the top of my head. If you ever go somewhere with her and she wants to take a purse/backpack/umbrella/doll/blanket you will be carrying them all at some point. I have found myself suddenly carrying no less than 5 things and I did not even realize I had let her hand them off. Now, all our trips are premeditated. I don’t let her leave the house with anything and if we pick anything up on the outing (drinks, stray animals, etc) she is told without question that she carries it or it gets thrown away. This usually works, but I have to be ever vigilant. Luckily I have Sissy to make sure NOTHING ever gets by me. She may be the only person on this or any other planet that is 100% immune to Diva’s powers.

This brings me to my point today. Dessert. Diva has always been a really poor eater. A few bites and she is full, for about 5 minutes and then wants a treat. I think this is what started the dessert every night trend in our house. I know there was never dessert in my house unless it was a holiday. I remember watching tv and thinking how unfair it was when someone had dessert taken away for bad behavior. That just meant they usually had dessert. I am sure before Diva came around we let Sissy have dessert most of the time, but it was not an expected thing. Then along comes our Diva. Any of you ever wonder how she got this moniker? Yeah. I think you might have an idea at this point. And its not like I have fresh brownies or cookies all the time. Usually it’s a Little Debbie, maybe a pop tart (more appropriate for dessert anyway), or a few pieces of candy if a holiday has just passed.

*On a side note. When at our wits end to get this kid to eat one night I pulled out a special weapon. She went through a stage where she told people, anyone, anywhere, that when she grew up she wanted big boobs like Mommy. As much as this is both terrifying and hilarious we just tried to ignore it and hope she stopped. On this particular night we were having spaghetti. Yeah, my kid won’t even eat spaghetti!!! I finally had a light bulb moment, “Diva, if you don’t eat all your dinner you will NEVER have big boobs like me!” This may not have been the best idea I ever had, but I can tell you one thing…it worked. At least for that night.*

So, to get her to eat we say you have to eat to get dessert. Sometimes she will have 3 bites and say she is done. I say, ok then, but don’t ask for more later. Then, here it comes, “Do I still get desert?” Hmm…”Does it look like Mommy started smoking crack this afternoon? No.” I tell her to eat 5 more bites, or whatever it takes for me to be satisfied. Then she gets dessert. No big deal right? Pretty normal. Her sister has tried this track a few times as well. What is unique to Diva, at least as compared to her sister, is that she asks for dessert after breakfast and lunch too. ALL. THE. TIME. Do I ever say yes? Of course not! Sometimes after lunch on a special day they might get a ‘treat.’ Well this has led to more issues.

Can’t have dessert? “Well, then can I have a treat?”

No.

“Can I have a snack?”

Yes. You can have carrot sticks. (Sometimes she doesn’t even get this answer if she really didn’t eat anything because I have had to resort to actually sending the kid to bed hungry if she won’t eat her dinner. This was after about 2 years of making her a special dinner every night that she would eat and I got sick of it. Remember how I mentioned that she was a little stubborn? I have saved a meal to give her the next morning, lunch, and the next dinner. She has gone a full day without food once. I am no match to her powers.)

That may seem innocent, but when you consider she is thinking something like a Little Debbie, pop tart, some candy. Does that sound familiar? If you are paying attention it should. She find that this is best played out if we actually have brownies or leftover birthday cake in the house because it sounds more like she is not actually asking for a snack.

What I really like the best though is when we have something special for dinner like pancakes. I really just don’t think dessert is needed after pancakes and that goes double for chocolate chip pancakes. And this is what leads me to writing this post.

Today, nay, this week, has been particularly bad for us. I had to get my alternator fixed. Diva spent two hours with me at Sears last night. We had to get dinner out, which I can’t really afford right now. Then today I had to go back to Sears, praying the whole way that the battery had enough charge to make it, with both kids in tow. They had to miss summer school since I was afraid to drive more than I had to. We waited there for an hour. Went to see a movie, which I really can’t afford. We shared a $30 bag of M&Ms and a gallon of root beer. Then we ate out again. (Did I mention I can’t afford this right now?) Diva asked for dessert. Really? Do you not remember having to wait for them to run the credit check so you could have your fix of sugar during the movie? Then we went back to Sears for another hour and a half. Missed the bank by 5 minutes. When we got home I was wiped out, they were wiped out, it was HOT in here, and I was wiped out. Wait, did I mention that already? Sissy had leftovers from lunch so I gave Diva the choice of peanut butter sandwich or cereal. (I should really get mother of the year, people. Especially since the night before was onion rings, fries, root beer and a milk shake. Oh yeah.) She chose Coco Puffs, or whatever the generic brand of those is called. Choco Sugar Rush? THEN…she asks for dessert! Did you guys see this one coming? Yeah, so did I. And do you know what happened when I said no? The whining. This may be another super power. She whines like no other child I have ever heard. The squeaky voice that strangers have literally stopped me to comment on, “Oh, she has the cutest little voice!” Yeah? Try listening to it NON STOP for over 4 years. Who taught this kid to talk? Oh yeah, I did. Shoot.

Where was I? I have been drained of all energy. This is her true master plan. Once Mommy has no more energy she has no more will to be a good Mommy and when desert requests come in, no matter how inappropriate, she will just nod and drift back into her stupor. She is almost there, people. I don’t know how much longer I can fight her. If you know any way to combat this terror please, for the love of all that is wholesome and healthy, help me!