There are many aspects of motherhood that are tough. Many that are unpleasant. Many that make you rethink ever having mated in the first place. For me, though, the toughest, most unpleasant, and most painful is this:
Watching my kids grow up.
(Seriously, how cute were they 3 years ago!!!)
I love seeing them discover new things and develop into beautiful girls who are no longer toddlers, but enough already! They have reached a point where I can't take more growing up. Sissy will be in 3rd grade. That's huge to me! 3RD GRADE!!! For me that is when kids officially become "big kids." And to top it off she is showing signs of being a grown person.
This is my girl who loves Star Wars, Spiderman, and "boy things" as she says. Lately she is admiring dresses and jewelry. She wants to take a dance class. She likes styling her own hair for crying out loud!! This is not my Sissy. And she is starting to get funny.
She has never been an exceptionally funny child. That has been reserved for Diva. Lately she has been shocking me with the things they say. And not silly goofy funny like other kids; these are sophisticated jokes. She has little witty remarks that thoroughly impress me. I have to start writing them down because at present I can't remember any of them. She also is saying such grown up sounding things. She used the word "several" in a sentence correctly the other day and it sounded so strange.
She is also helping around the house a lot and being more responsible. She still wants to kill her sister most of the time, but she is also helping her a lot. She decided herself yesterday that she and Diva needed to make their beds! I DON'T MAKE BEDS! She also plays really well with the kids in the new neighborhood and is the "responsible" one. Even though I am right there I can pretty much count on her to resolve any conflict that arises with the kids. It's amazing.
Then there are the physical things. Not a lot yet. She is just about to turn 8. But she is getting tall and her muscles are starting to develop more. And I notice a little dip at her waist now. This is scary stuff, people.
Diva is still pretty much Diva. She is a nut. But she is going into 1st grade this year. She is young for this, but ready, pretty much. She is starting to finally get taller, though still small for her age. Her legs are getting long now and you can actually see some calf muscle in those string beans. And her face has lost all trace of babyhood. She also has extremely hairy little legs, poor thing.
She is much more involved in picking out her clothes now. She was always a fashionista, but now she is getting pretty demanding about what she will wear and when and where. And shoes are a huge issue now. She likes to be fancy all the time.
She is also starting to read. And her dramatics are taking a turn from just silly to quite good. The faces this kid pulls should win Oscars. It's astounding to see such a huge personality in such a little girl.
As great as all this sounds everything I mentioned breaks my heart. I find myself suddenly feeling as if a vice has gripped my chest when I notice these things. I cry at night thinking about how soon they will be teenagers, then adults. I want to preserve every moment and never let them grow up and leave me. (Yes, mom, like I did to you!) Right now I am misty and my throat is tightening.
Maybe its more painful now because of my divorce. Perhaps because I can't share the memories with their dad anymore it makes them more fleeting. Or maybe it's just par for the course. I can't help wondering and hoping, though, if things get easier as they grow up. Do you still cry yourself to sleep when they get their first bra, go to high school, first dates, prom, first job, etc? Do I have to deal with this when I am a grandmother too? Does it go on forever? Because I wish someone had told me this before I signed up for motherhood. I don't know if I would have gone through with it. (Who am I kidding, of course I would have.)
